“Don’t do anything stupid.” My mantra for the day is on repeat in my head. Recognizing that I am stressed, sleep-deprived, in pain and emotional today.
I’m at my desk at work. My lips are chewed raw. Several angry scabs dot my forehead where I have nervously picked at acne spots this week.
My left arm feels like it’s on fire. Undulating waves of pain eb and flow as I move my hand to type. My middle, ring and pinky fingers twitch and go numb off and on. There’s a white-hot golf ball shoved under my shoulder blade. Muscle spasms radiate from my shoulder blade up my neck to the back of my head and then down the back of my arm. If I am not actively focusing on whatever I am holding I will drop it.
I have a bulging disc in my neck at C5-C6 and pinched nerves as a result of the inflammation. I also have several degrees of scoliosis in my lower back that causes issues with my sciatic nerves and my hips. I have issues with my reproductive system including endometriosis and adenomyosis that caused a serious hemorrhage after my youngest daughter was born. Modern medicine offered me two options: 1) “pain management” in the form of temporary relief via cortisone shot or prescription narcotics 2) surgery that my conditions are not considered dire enough to justify.
It’s exhausting.
It’s constant.
I went for roughly 18 months with my daily pain level averaging a solid 8 on a scale from paper cut to natural childbirth. I was completely beyond frustrated. I refused to go the route of narcotics. They make me incredibly sick. Sick enough that I would rather hurt than take them. I had one cortisone shot and it offered some relief but only for about a year. My funds are also limited. $50 copays to see my doctor monthly and then pay for my prescriptions is just not in my budget.
I found a chiropractor that has helped tremendously. I can afford to go see her once a week. My pain is now a 2 or 3 on an average day. Much more manageable.
It inhibits my ability to be patient, to do my job and to be the best mom I can be. It inhibits my ability to keep my anxiety in check. It prevents me from enjoying life and completing simple tasks. It eats at my patience. Simple things like turning my head to check traffic before a turn, taking out the trash, holding my cup of coffee, picking up my toddler.
Today it’s a solid 7. I carry tension in my neck and shoulders and this week has been a bear at work. I am so thankful it is Friday.
Chronic pain is exhausting. It’s devastating. It takes up so much of my energy. And it’s not something that is going to go away.