Resurfacing from a toxic relationship is so many things. Exhausting, sure, but so exhilarating at the same time.
I didn’t realize how starved I was for friendship, for normal human interaction, for conversation and, most of all, for MYSELF.
I missed myself. Oh how I have missed my freedom. Being able to be who I am and not have to cram myself into the parameters of someone else’s ridiculous expectations. Do not ever take for granted being able to indulge your desire to do your own thing, to have hobbies and dreams that are just for you.
Ok, just to get the elephant in the room out of the way, no I am not dating. And no, I will not date. I’ll make a post about that at some point but it’s been a very personal decision.
I get to be a homebody again when I want to be. I can make vegetarian meals for dinner. I can grow things and garden. I can have chickens and build my homestead dream. I can focus on my children.
The gaslighting and manipulation and emotional abuse certainly took its toll. And I am finally starting to see the full extent of the damage. Peeling back the painful layers to reveal the chasm it has left in me has not been easy. It has been a very eye-opening and deeply necessary personal journey of self-discovery and healing. Deep healing. The kind that takes an army of support, a great therapist and a lot of determination and will power.
Some people might think that I am going through an early “mid-life crisis” or that I am reinventing myself. Well, I hate to break it to you, but this homestead-dreaming, recycling, green-loving, crunchy hippie has always been in there. She just hasn’t always been allowed to take center stage and shine.
My heart is so full and so incredibly grateful for where I have ended up. I am grateful for the strength I found in myself to make this life possible for my family.
Instead of looking back at the hurt and the past, I am looking forward. I am excited for where I am going and for what I am going to accomplish. I am excited for the future.